There was a man named Synnværd, who was the son of Krystun The Wall-less, and he dwelt in Phallodelphia until it was destroyed by unknown enemies while he slept. Synnværd was tall and strong, skilled in battle, but quick to anger and very proud. He was known to many as Vigilance, for he was always alert.
Synnværd slept for so long that all evidence of the destruction of Phallodelphia dissipated, so he decided to move to be close to his friend Karl-Evert. By chance also living nearby Karl-Evert was a humble farmer whom Synnværd had known as a friend in the Old World, Gunnar. Finding Karl-Evert’s homestead abandoned and rather inhospitable, Synnværd decided to live with Gunnar, who welcomed him happily with an exhilarating bear wrestle and a hearty feast.
It happened that during the feast Gunnar mentioned that a group of bandits had moved in nearby, known to the world as The Ragers Of the Lumberwoods (TROL). They had threatened to take control of his land, and threatened to rob him, but being a man of calm character, Gunnar was not worried and knew that he would be strong enough when the time came. Due to earlier conflict with a town called Trinity, Gunnar could have simply handed the coordinates of The Ragers’ fortress to any number of powerful kingdoms, but being a man of honour he did not.
When Synnværd heard of these TROLs, he became excited at the prospect of battle, and picked up his axe and ran out of the feasting hall. He had long wished to kill Yasso, leader of the TROLs, and also Coonman, a very loud mouthed and annoying TROL. Gunnar, not understanding what Synnværd would do, decided to continue building the wall around his farm as preparation for battle sometime in the distant future.
There was a cunning warrior known as Jordan Coles who had recently arrived in the New World. He decided to live with the TROLs, since they were very impressed with his fame in the Old World, and he planned to use them to become powerful here as well. He was great friends with Synnværd due to their shared love of battle, and he was labouring inside the TROL fortress when he saw Synnvaerd approach.
Greeting each other warmly, the two warriors came up with a plan. Synnværd stripped off his clothes to appear similar to the notorious child killer Chief Poop, known for being unable to kill any decent players. At the same time Synnværd called to Gunnar for support, asking him to help him.
Jordan Coles then attempted to wake up the other TROLs, but the only two who answered were Coonman and Arcanist. However they did not leave the fortress, being too scared of Synnværd dressed as Chief Poop to try to fight. Instead Coonman sent a message to Gunnar, who had been overtly friendly towards the Ragers, asking for his help in killing Synnværd.
Gunnar replied saying that he was coming to help, and that Coonman should be ready to help him fight off the attacker. When Gunnar arrived, he pretended to fight Synnværd outside the fortress for a long time, until Coonman worked up the courage to come out. Synnværd then ran from Gunnar and Coonman, turning around once they were far enough from the fortress.
Being a coward, Coonman then fled, abandoning Gunnar and Arcanist to what he must have thought was certain death. So Gunnar and Synnvaerd tried to pull the same trick again, fighting for a much longer time and making it seem that Synnværd was losing and was rather weak, in plain view of Coonman and Jordan Coles cowering inside the fortress. It was at this time that Arcanist was struck to the ground.
Once more, Coonman decided that the odds were favourable enough and charged out of the fortress. This time, once he was far enough out of the fortress, Gunnar swiftly attacked Coonman. Surprised, Coonman was stabbed several times by Synnværd before fleeing, only to be felled by Gunnar’s sword. Synnværd then taunted Coonman and separated his head from his body as he begged for mercy. Part of this battle can be seen in Coonman’s video, “Gunnar-Dallane Gank”. He appears to have thought that Synnværd was in fact another infamous man, Dallane. He also accused Gunnar of using witchcraft to “change his damage.”
After the battle was won, Gunnar and Synnværd realised that Gunnar’s farm was completely vulnerable to attack while they were sleeping, if Yasso or any other Ragers were to wake up and take revenge. Synnværd took it upon himself to fortify the farm while Gunnar slept, with disastrous results for Gunnar’s agricultural pursuits and the aesthetic balance of the place. It is now known as the Derpfort.
When Yasso discovered that his beloved Coonman was dead, he flew into a rage, and vowed that he would break into the Derpfort and kill Vigilance and Gunnar while they slept. Luckily Gunnar heard of this and practiced very hard at both armed and unarmed combat, and managed to drive Yasso and his henchman Tim from the walls merely by being awake. When Synnværd awoke, he and Gunnar went to challenge Yasso and Tim to a duel to the death. However long they waited, Yasso and Tim did not emerge.
Synnværd became bored and went back to sleep, and Gunnar pretended to sleep outside the Rager’s fortress, but still Yasso would not attack him. Eventually Gunnar truly fell asleep from boredom, as did Yasso and Tim, but then Synnværd awoke, and after gorging himself on delicious pumpkin pies, battered down the walls of The Rager’s fortress and killed Yasso and Tim single-handedly.
The next day, due to the death of Yasso, Jordan Coles discovered that Yasso’s relatives in Boston had revoked the privileges he previously enjoyed on Yasso’s claim, and decided to put the next part of his cunning plan in motion. Knowing that Synnværd had many enemies, he decided to make a forum thread about his predicament. Yasso’s relatives were contacted by soldiers from the town of Gallows Hill, lead by Mushibag. Yasso’s son, also called Yasso, handed the coordinates to Mushibag, who led a platoon of soldiers to the Derpfort, easily breaking inside and killing both Gunnar and Synnværd for their crimes. Thus Jordan Coles’ plan came to fruition, and he announced the founding of the town of WOW stop, and that he was now the King of the region, as every other developed colonist had been slain.
This was related to my by my father, the Gunnar in this tale, and thus his good name is attached to the article. I have inherited his claim, and Gallows Hill have returned his beloved hat and mask to me. To my knowledge, The Ragers of the Lumberwoods have finally been driven from the New World, although they have vowed to return once more scientific progress has been made in this as yet barren land. I await their return, while sharpening the sword that once belonged to Yasso. Vengeance will be mine. Meanwhile Jordan Coles sits safe for now, atop his throne of blood.
– Skarphedin Gunnarson