Plymouth: A Cult in the New World

The colony of Plymouth has been shocked by the recent increase in murders, which was precisely the opposite of what was expected when new colonies opened. This violence seems to be being justified religiously by the perpetrators, which to men and women of science like you, O Noble Readers, is surely a most barbaric folly, and yet it appears to have captured the imagination of certain Boston residents. Just the other day a furtive looking man smelling strongly of waffles [1] approached me and surreptitiously handed me a leatherbound book, entitled “THE FIRST BOOK OF HUSTLINGUISTICS”. This tome appears to be a religious text of the worshippers of the Oddgod, and I shall share its contents with you, since it provides both a concise account of recent events and a fascinating insight into the mind of the Cultist. My annotations and notes will be provided at the bottom of this article.

THE FIRST BOOK OF HUSTLINGUISTICS

I. And so it came to pass that Moo removed Potjeh’s curse on Chief RunsLikeWind [2], thus allowing him to speak once more, spreading his heresy thickly across the lands, just as the farmer spreads manure upon the new fields. For the Oddgod moves in mysterious ways.

II. For verily, Chief RunsLikeWind did instantly attempt to graffiti the shop of the Dutch Outpost [3], now knowing himself to be untouchable. A Magic Man repaired the damage however, and was slapped by Oddgod for his good deeds, for Oddgod is an odd god.

Obnoxious Trolls

Evil Natives

III. At the same time, Chief RunsLikeWind did set up a Reservation for new Pilgrims, in order that they might cook him many Mushroom and Pumpkin Pies, and plentiful Cabbage Cakes, that his Great Spirit might bless him with Moderately Highish Humours.

Its easier to kill people if you hold them still first.

Not the real Tonkyhonk

IV. This reservation was a terrible place, for the Chief must kill once per day, lest he have to start Photoshop or kill his own kin, and thus many who refused to join the Reservation perished. Slapacookie, a loyal servant of the Chief, was slain in cold blood on the reservation itself, while attempting in vain to read a sign [4].

V. And yet the worst was not to come for the captives. For Mushibag, a bloodthirsty Knight of Jorb, battered down the flimsy fence of the Reservation, putting the Chief and his Braves to flight and butchering the captives rather than allow them to continue baking for the Tribe.

Salem: Total War

Massacre at the reservation

VI. And thus the attention of the Tribe [5] was drawn to the city of Gallows Hill, also known by the foolish as Gallow Hills, where a huge Temple to Jorb, whose high priest was Jordan Coles was under construction. Knowing that the soldiers of Gallows Hill were distracted by the new Colony of Roanoke, the Tribe marshalled their forces to attack.

VII. Chief RunsLikeWind and his braves fell upon Jordan Coles as he was working to build the Temple, immobilising him with a cunning legal trick and cleaving him in two before he could even put down his heavy burden to draw a sword [6].

Noob down

The Death of JordanColes, High Priest of Jorb

VIII. He then argued to the Crown that he had a strong Claim on a large part of the town of Gallows Hill, since Mushibag had destroyed the Reservation, and he needed somewhere to rebuild it.

Lawyered

Tribe’s Claim

IX. Thus Chief RunsLikeWind proved to be more of a Lawyer than a Warrior, for upon the arrival of three soldiers of Gallows Hill, the Chief lived up to his name and ran like the wind.

X. The Chief then sent many new Colonists to their deaths at the hand of the soldiers at this new Reservation, in order to distract them from his true plan, which was to break into the centre of Gallows Hill, that he might kill all of the soldiers in their sleep.

XI. Chief RunsLikeWind began to break Compost Bins in Gallows Hill, perhaps thinking that like him, the Knights of Jorb derived their power from the Earthworm.

XII. In a powerful show of strength and urged on by his braves, the Chief managed to break down part of the central Citadel of Gallows Hill, but nonetheless did not manage to breach the keep fully, for the Great Spirit was no match for Jorb, who is beloved of Oddgod.

Not quite

Siege Nearly Succeeds

XIII. For many days, the Chief continued to irritate the Knights of Jorb on the outskirts of Gallows Hill, sending hundreds of Indian children to their deaths in the damaged parts of the town.

Cannon Fodder

XIV. Seeing that he had awakened the wrath of the Knights, the chief then withdrew in search of easier targets, while keeping the claim on the outskirts of the town.

XV. At this time a man named Nyogtha of Hustlinguistics came to Gallows Hill. Being both bold and holy, he urged the knights to pursue Chief RunsLikeWind and his Braves, and was thus blessed with a Quest by the Oddgod: if he killed Chief RunsLikeWind, he would become the Champion of Oddgod, with all the fame (a little) and wealth (none) that that position entailed.

XVI. Taking up his musket, Nyogtha fired into the air, exhorting the sluggish Knights of Jorb to avenge their High Priest Coles, and three brave Crusaders joined him in his hunt:

XVII. Mushibag the Bloody, from a long line of fierce warriors, Captain America, arrogantly named after the whole continent, and Maelstrom, an experienced theologian.

XVIII. And so the fellowship of four warriors set off from Gallows Hill, following the foul-smelling trail left by Chief RunsLikeWind and his Braves, with the Wind of Oddgod behind them, and the Blessings of Jorb upon their sword arms.

The Fellowship

XIX. The Fellowship fell upon Chief RunsLikeWind and his Braves at the town of New Roanoke [7], whereupon the Natives scattered in all direction, much as flies will scatter, disturbed from a dungheap [8].

XX. Two of the Fellowship pursued the chief, while the other two followed the Brave known as Mean Mike McCoy. Nyogtha called upon the Oddgod and the Creator Jorb to bless his musket, swiftly shooting the chief in the back [9].

XXI. Mushibag called upon his beloved Jorb for aid also, and quickly Mean Mike McCoy tired of all Braves’ favourite activity, running, and was run through with Mushibag’s sword.

The Death of Mean Mike McCoy

XXII. Nyogtha, swiftly pursuing Chief RunsLikeWind, was aided by a Miracle sent from Oddgod, as he floated through the air, and was thus able to keep up with the Champion Runner of the New World.

Pursuing the Chief

XXIII. Even when another Brave joined the battle on the Chief’s side, they were no match for Nyogtha’s Oddgod-given martial prowess, and the chief was eventually struck down.

XXIV. Eyes full of the Rapture of the Oddgod, Nyogtha ritually sacrificed the Chief to the Almighty, uttering this prayer:

XXV. OH, ODDGOD, FROM WHOM ALL HUMOURS FLOW, ODDGOD WHO GIVETH AND ODDGOD WHO TAKETH AWAY, PRAISE BE UPON YOU. ACCEPT THIS MY SACRIFICE, AND FILL ME WITH THY HOLY BILES. BLOOD FOR THE ODDGOD!

The Death of Chief RunsLikeWind

XXVI. These word rang out across the land of Plymouth, and all unbelievers who heard them were afraid; for they knew that the Chosen of Oddgod had arrived, and they were no longer safe worshipping their false Spirits, nor ignoring Oddgod in favour of the Lesser Gods.

XXVII. Heed this message well, and offer thanks and praise to Oddgod and his Prophet Nyogtha. Here endeth the First Book of Hustlinguistics.

[1] He then said he was an “xpireicned hnh playr” and asked “can i join ur village”. I would urge the reader to beware of any unusual requests from unknown people, especially if their name has anything to do with waffles.

[2] As we all know, this refers to the notorious child-killer Chief Poop. The heresy spoken of here is the belief in the Great Spirit, which appears to have certain similarities to both Jorb and loftar, but is rather different in other respects.

[3] He attempted to hijack the Dutch Outpost trade thread after raiding their base, but was rescued by MagicManICT.

[4] http://forum.salemgame.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1913 has relevance to verses IV and V. A theatrical production detailing the killing at the reservation is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NohoFSWfPGE .

[5] It is worth noting at this point that the Tribe is not truly native to the New World, but are merely Colonists driven mad by the strange environment they find themselves in. The true natives appear to have become extinct (or they are exceptionally well hidden!) some time ago, leaving only archaeological traces of their noble hunter-gatherer existence for the careful explorer to find.

[6] Relevant information at http://forum.salemgame.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1954.

[7] Ironically, this town was founded before the colony of Roanoke. Thread at http://forum.salemgame.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=2140.

[7] Here we can see traces of the writing of another author, perhaps Mushibag?

[9] The gunpowder we have at present in the new world is mouldy and weak at present, but an accurate shot can mysteriously prevent escape into other dimensions.

This Book of Hustlinguistics is a fascinating insight into the mind of the Oddgodian cultist, but I cannot help but wonder if there will be conflict in the future between those who believe in the primacy of the Oddgod and those who believe the Jorb and loftar are the deities who most deserve worship. Let us hope that it does not come to civil war between these two factions.