About Gunnar Kveldúlfsson

Was banished to the new world on account of his inflammatory pamphlets criticizing the Crown. Hopes to live a life free from external authority in the New World, and is eager to study the nature of the new society that emerges here.

Plymouth: A Cult in the New World

The colony of Plymouth has been shocked by the recent increase in murders, which was precisely the opposite of what was expected when new colonies opened. This violence seems to be being justified religiously by the perpetrators, which to men and women of science like you, O Noble Readers, is surely a most barbaric folly, and yet it appears to have captured the imagination of certain Boston residents. Just the other day a furtive looking man smelling strongly of waffles [1] approached me and surreptitiously handed me a leatherbound book, entitled “THE FIRST BOOK OF HUSTLINGUISTICS”. This tome appears to be a religious text of the worshippers of the Oddgod, and I shall share its contents with you, since it provides both a concise account of recent events and a fascinating insight into the mind of the Cultist. My annotations and notes will be provided at the bottom of this article.

THE FIRST BOOK OF HUSTLINGUISTICS

I. And so it came to pass that Moo removed Potjeh’s curse on Chief RunsLikeWind [2], thus allowing him to speak once more, spreading his heresy thickly across the lands, just as the farmer spreads manure upon the new fields. For the Oddgod moves in mysterious ways.

II. For verily, Chief RunsLikeWind did instantly attempt to graffiti the shop of the Dutch Outpost [3], now knowing himself to be untouchable. A Magic Man repaired the damage however, and was slapped by Oddgod for his good deeds, for Oddgod is an odd god.

Obnoxious Trolls

Evil Natives

III. At the same time, Chief RunsLikeWind did set up a Reservation for new Pilgrims, in order that they might cook him many Mushroom and Pumpkin Pies, and plentiful Cabbage Cakes, that his Great Spirit might bless him with Moderately Highish Humours.

Its easier to kill people if you hold them still first.

Not the real Tonkyhonk

IV. This reservation was a terrible place, for the Chief must kill once per day, lest he have to start Photoshop or kill his own kin, and thus many who refused to join the Reservation perished. Slapacookie, a loyal servant of the Chief, was slain in cold blood on the reservation itself, while attempting in vain to read a sign [4].

V. And yet the worst was not to come for the captives. For Mushibag, a bloodthirsty Knight of Jorb, battered down the flimsy fence of the Reservation, putting the Chief and his Braves to flight and butchering the captives rather than allow them to continue baking for the Tribe.

Salem: Total War

Massacre at the reservation

VI. And thus the attention of the Tribe [5] was drawn to the city of Gallows Hill, also known by the foolish as Gallow Hills, where a huge Temple to Jorb, whose high priest was Jordan Coles was under construction. Knowing that the soldiers of Gallows Hill were distracted by the new Colony of Roanoke, the Tribe marshalled their forces to attack.

VII. Chief RunsLikeWind and his braves fell upon Jordan Coles as he was working to build the Temple, immobilising him with a cunning legal trick and cleaving him in two before he could even put down his heavy burden to draw a sword [6].

Noob down

The Death of JordanColes, High Priest of Jorb

VIII. He then argued to the Crown that he had a strong Claim on a large part of the town of Gallows Hill, since Mushibag had destroyed the Reservation, and he needed somewhere to rebuild it.

Lawyered

Tribe’s Claim

IX. Thus Chief RunsLikeWind proved to be more of a Lawyer than a Warrior, for upon the arrival of three soldiers of Gallows Hill, the Chief lived up to his name and ran like the wind.

X. The Chief then sent many new Colonists to their deaths at the hand of the soldiers at this new Reservation, in order to distract them from his true plan, which was to break into the centre of Gallows Hill, that he might kill all of the soldiers in their sleep.

XI. Chief RunsLikeWind began to break Compost Bins in Gallows Hill, perhaps thinking that like him, the Knights of Jorb derived their power from the Earthworm.

XII. In a powerful show of strength and urged on by his braves, the Chief managed to break down part of the central Citadel of Gallows Hill, but nonetheless did not manage to breach the keep fully, for the Great Spirit was no match for Jorb, who is beloved of Oddgod.

Not quite

Siege Nearly Succeeds

XIII. For many days, the Chief continued to irritate the Knights of Jorb on the outskirts of Gallows Hill, sending hundreds of Indian children to their deaths in the damaged parts of the town.

Cannon Fodder

XIV. Seeing that he had awakened the wrath of the Knights, the chief then withdrew in search of easier targets, while keeping the claim on the outskirts of the town.

XV. At this time a man named Nyogtha of Hustlinguistics came to Gallows Hill. Being both bold and holy, he urged the knights to pursue Chief RunsLikeWind and his Braves, and was thus blessed with a Quest by the Oddgod: if he killed Chief RunsLikeWind, he would become the Champion of Oddgod, with all the fame (a little) and wealth (none) that that position entailed.

XVI. Taking up his musket, Nyogtha fired into the air, exhorting the sluggish Knights of Jorb to avenge their High Priest Coles, and three brave Crusaders joined him in his hunt:

XVII. Mushibag the Bloody, from a long line of fierce warriors, Captain America, arrogantly named after the whole continent, and Maelstrom, an experienced theologian.

XVIII. And so the fellowship of four warriors set off from Gallows Hill, following the foul-smelling trail left by Chief RunsLikeWind and his Braves, with the Wind of Oddgod behind them, and the Blessings of Jorb upon their sword arms.

The Fellowship

XIX. The Fellowship fell upon Chief RunsLikeWind and his Braves at the town of New Roanoke [7], whereupon the Natives scattered in all direction, much as flies will scatter, disturbed from a dungheap [8].

XX. Two of the Fellowship pursued the chief, while the other two followed the Brave known as Mean Mike McCoy. Nyogtha called upon the Oddgod and the Creator Jorb to bless his musket, swiftly shooting the chief in the back [9].

XXI. Mushibag called upon his beloved Jorb for aid also, and quickly Mean Mike McCoy tired of all Braves’ favourite activity, running, and was run through with Mushibag’s sword.

The Death of Mean Mike McCoy

XXII. Nyogtha, swiftly pursuing Chief RunsLikeWind, was aided by a Miracle sent from Oddgod, as he floated through the air, and was thus able to keep up with the Champion Runner of the New World.

Pursuing the Chief

XXIII. Even when another Brave joined the battle on the Chief’s side, they were no match for Nyogtha’s Oddgod-given martial prowess, and the chief was eventually struck down.

XXIV. Eyes full of the Rapture of the Oddgod, Nyogtha ritually sacrificed the Chief to the Almighty, uttering this prayer:

XXV. OH, ODDGOD, FROM WHOM ALL HUMOURS FLOW, ODDGOD WHO GIVETH AND ODDGOD WHO TAKETH AWAY, PRAISE BE UPON YOU. ACCEPT THIS MY SACRIFICE, AND FILL ME WITH THY HOLY BILES. BLOOD FOR THE ODDGOD!

The Death of Chief RunsLikeWind

XXVI. These word rang out across the land of Plymouth, and all unbelievers who heard them were afraid; for they knew that the Chosen of Oddgod had arrived, and they were no longer safe worshipping their false Spirits, nor ignoring Oddgod in favour of the Lesser Gods.

XXVII. Heed this message well, and offer thanks and praise to Oddgod and his Prophet Nyogtha. Here endeth the First Book of Hustlinguistics.

[1] He then said he was an “xpireicned hnh playr” and asked “can i join ur village”. I would urge the reader to beware of any unusual requests from unknown people, especially if their name has anything to do with waffles.

[2] As we all know, this refers to the notorious child-killer Chief Poop. The heresy spoken of here is the belief in the Great Spirit, which appears to have certain similarities to both Jorb and loftar, but is rather different in other respects.

[3] He attempted to hijack the Dutch Outpost trade thread after raiding their base, but was rescued by MagicManICT.

[4] http://forum.salemgame.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1913 has relevance to verses IV and V. A theatrical production detailing the killing at the reservation is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NohoFSWfPGE .

[5] It is worth noting at this point that the Tribe is not truly native to the New World, but are merely Colonists driven mad by the strange environment they find themselves in. The true natives appear to have become extinct (or they are exceptionally well hidden!) some time ago, leaving only archaeological traces of their noble hunter-gatherer existence for the careful explorer to find.

[6] Relevant information at http://forum.salemgame.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1954.

[7] Ironically, this town was founded before the colony of Roanoke. Thread at http://forum.salemgame.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=2140.

[7] Here we can see traces of the writing of another author, perhaps Mushibag?

[9] The gunpowder we have at present in the new world is mouldy and weak at present, but an accurate shot can mysteriously prevent escape into other dimensions.

This Book of Hustlinguistics is a fascinating insight into the mind of the Oddgodian cultist, but I cannot help but wonder if there will be conflict in the future between those who believe in the primacy of the Oddgod and those who believe the Jorb and loftar are the deities who most deserve worship. Let us hope that it does not come to civil war between these two factions.

Salem’s Latest and Greatest Fashion – Gangster Style

With the release of the wonderful “emotes” update, many of the morally questionable denizens of the New World have exhibited their own unique fashion sense. From scammers to murderers, nothing is more important to the criminal mind then showing off.

“The Evil Admiral”

Greg0418, the infamous scammer, shows how profitable his cowardly criminal activities have been with an admiral’s uniform, with an Aspen on his head to appear “evil”. We feel that the metal axe rather spoils the look, as surely a true criminal mastermind wouldn’t need to chop wood? Perhaps his bark is worse than his bite, in reality…

“I’m so unconcerned, but I’mma get you, mofo.”

Mushibag, the infamous murderer, looks extremely “gangster” here. We hear that he is in fact very flamboyant, and recently posed for a very long, extended photoshoot by killertomas2. However, we have to ask, why the bare feet? It’s the little details like this that set the truly stylish apart from the merely rich and famous.

“Flamboyant Troll”

We feel that this outfit really suits Dallane, and he was kind enough to stop spamming for a minute and give us the full list so that you, the Reader, might recreate this outfit: Latest from Paris, Nobleman’s Jacket and Pants, Plymouth Frock, Snakeskin Boots, and a Wicked Wickerman mask. We especially like the sexy pose.

“Classic Vampire, or Itinerant Preacher?”

Jordan Coles, High Priest of Jorb, a famous ex-gangster from the Old World, is wearing a Plymouth Frock over the classic starter shirt, topped with a Musketeer’s Hat. Superficially, we think he does fit the part of a travelling preacher rather well, but for the odd light around his eyes. He himself has linked this to the Curse of Vampirism, and we hope that loftar can cure this plague before it is too late for us all…

 

“I call this one Moco”

Stylish Workclothes

In contrast to the gauche ruffians above, Karl-Evert once again returns to the Fashion page, spotted on the left by our correspondent, relaxing against his windmill in a supremely stylish Gentleman’s jacket over a farmer’s vest. On the right we see him in a more playful outfit, comprised of a core trio of cotton shirt, cotton cape, and adventurer’s vest.

Synnværd’s Saga

Vigilance

Synnværd

There was a man named Synnværd, who was the son of Krystun The Wall-less, and he dwelt in Phallodelphia until it was destroyed by unknown enemies while he slept. Synnværd was tall and strong, skilled in battle, but quick to anger and very proud. He was known to many as Vigilance, for he was always alert.

Synnværd slept for so long that all evidence of the destruction of Phallodelphia dissipated, so he decided to move to be close to his friend Karl-Evert. By chance also living nearby Karl-Evert was a humble farmer whom Synnværd had known as a friend in the Old World, Gunnar. Finding Karl-Evert’s homestead abandoned and rather inhospitable, Synnværd decided to live with Gunnar, who welcomed him happily with an exhilarating bear wrestle and a hearty feast.

It happened that during the feast Gunnar mentioned that a group of bandits had moved in nearby, known to the world as The Ragers Of the Lumberwoods (TROL). They had threatened to take control of his land, and threatened to rob him, but being a man of calm character, Gunnar was not worried and knew that he would be strong enough when the time came. Due to earlier conflict with a town called Trinity, Gunnar could have simply handed the coordinates of The Ragers’ fortress to any number of powerful kingdoms, but being a man of honour he did not.

When Synnværd heard of these TROLs, he became excited at the prospect of battle, and picked up his axe and ran out of the feasting hall. He had long wished to kill Yasso, leader of the TROLs, and also Coonman, a very loud mouthed and annoying TROL. Gunnar, not understanding what Synnværd would do, decided to continue building the wall around his farm as preparation for battle sometime in the distant future.

TROLs

The Ragers of the Lumberwoods

There was a cunning warrior known as Jordan Coles who had recently arrived in the New World. He decided to live with the TROLs, since they were very impressed with his fame in the Old World, and he planned to use them to become powerful here as well. He was great friends with Synnværd due to their shared love of battle, and he was labouring inside the TROL fortress when he saw Synnvaerd approach.

Greeting each other warmly, the two warriors came up with a plan. Synnværd stripped off his clothes to appear similar to the notorious child killer Chief Poop, known for being unable to kill any decent players. At the same time Synnværd called to Gunnar for support, asking him to help him.

Jordan Coles then attempted to wake up the other TROLs, but the only two who answered were Coonman and Arcanist. However they did not leave the fortress, being too scared of Synnværd dressed as Chief Poop to try to fight. Instead Coonman sent a message to Gunnar, who had been overtly friendly towards the Ragers, asking for his help in killing Synnværd.

Gunnar replied saying that he was coming to help, and that Coonman should be ready to help him fight off the attacker. When Gunnar arrived, he pretended to fight Synnværd outside the fortress for a long time, until Coonman worked up the courage to come out. Synnværd then ran from Gunnar and Coonman, turning around once they were far enough from the fortress.

Being a coward, Coonman then fled, abandoning Gunnar and Arcanist to what he must have thought was certain death. So Gunnar and Synnvaerd tried to pull the same trick again, fighting for a much longer time and making it seem that Synnværd was losing and was rather weak, in plain view of Coonman and Jordan Coles cowering inside the fortress. It was at this time that Arcanist was struck to the ground.

The Death of Coonman

Once more, Coonman decided that the odds were favourable enough and charged out of the fortress. This time, once he was far enough out of the fortress, Gunnar swiftly attacked Coonman. Surprised, Coonman was stabbed several times by Synnværd before fleeing, only to be felled by Gunnar’s sword. Synnværd then taunted Coonman and separated his head from his body as he begged for mercy. Part of this battle can be seen in Coonman’s video, “Gunnar-Dallane Gank”. He appears to have thought that Synnværd was in fact another infamous man, Dallane. He also accused Gunnar of using witchcraft to “change his damage.”

“The Derpfort” – lead Architect: Vigilance

After the battle was won, Gunnar and Synnværd realised that Gunnar’s farm was completely vulnerable to attack while they were sleeping, if Yasso or any other Ragers were to wake up and take revenge. Synnværd took it upon himself to fortify the farm while Gunnar slept, with disastrous results for Gunnar’s agricultural pursuits and the aesthetic balance of the place. It is now known as the Derpfort.

When Yasso discovered that his beloved Coonman was dead, he flew into a rage, and vowed that he would break into the Derpfort and kill Vigilance and Gunnar while they slept. Luckily Gunnar heard of this and practiced very hard at both armed and unarmed combat, and managed to drive Yasso and his henchman Tim from the walls merely by being awake. When Synnværd awoke, he and Gunnar went to challenge Yasso and Tim to a duel to the death. However long they waited, Yasso and Tim did not emerge.

The Deaths of Yasso and Tim

Synnværd became bored and went back to sleep, and Gunnar pretended to sleep outside the Rager’s fortress, but still Yasso would not attack him. Eventually Gunnar truly fell asleep from boredom, as did Yasso and Tim, but then Synnværd awoke, and after gorging himself on delicious pumpkin pies, battered down the walls of The Rager’s fortress and killed Yasso and Tim single-handedly.

The Deaths of Gunnar and Synnværd

The next day, due to the death of Yasso, Jordan Coles discovered that Yasso’s relatives in Boston had revoked the privileges he previously enjoyed on Yasso’s claim, and decided to put the next part of his cunning plan in motion. Knowing that Synnværd had many enemies, he decided to make a forum thread about his predicament. Yasso’s relatives were contacted by soldiers from the town of Gallows Hill, lead by Mushibag. Yasso’s son, also called Yasso, handed the coordinates to Mushibag, who led a platoon of soldiers to the Derpfort, easily breaking inside and killing both Gunnar and Synnværd for their crimes. Thus Jordan Coles’ plan came to fruition, and he announced the founding of the town of WOW stop, and that he was now the King of the region, as every other developed colonist had been slain.

This was related to my by my father, the Gunnar in this tale, and thus his good name is attached to the article. I have inherited his claim, and Gallows Hill have returned his beloved hat and mask to me. To my knowledge, The Ragers of the Lumberwoods have finally been driven from the New World, although they have vowed to return once more scientific progress has been made in this as yet barren land. I await their return, while sharpening the sword that once belonged to Yasso. Vengeance will be mine. Meanwhile Jordan Coles sits safe for now, atop his throne of blood.

– Skarphedin Gunnarson

Forum thread

Misplaced posts

Forum thread

 

The Invisible Hand – Market Update

©Paradox Interactive


We have again compiled a database of the items up for trade in the forums. Our selection procedure was as follows: Reject any trade threads which had dropped off the top page, remove any threads which were special requests, leaving only the active, established merchants. The minimum, maximum and average prices for items with a competitive market, as well as the change in average price, are listed below.
5 traders:
  • Nails: 10-20s, average 15.6s, -5s
4 traders:
  • Leather: 10s
  • Brain: 6-10s, average 7.5s, -14.1s
  • 0% pure iron bar: 80-90s, average 85s, -19.3s
3 traders:
  • Spanish Sabre: 65-100s, average 85s, -24.4s
  • Metal Shovel: 75-110s, average 95s, -27.8s
  • Metal Axe: 80-120s, average 100s, -43.7s
  • Pumpkin Pies: 12-15s, average 13.3s
  • Bluebeary: 18-15s, average 22.7s
2 traders:
  • Cotton seeds (price for 50): 25-100s, average 62.5s, -6.2s
  • Rabbit Steak: 2s
  • Venison Steak/2 cuts: 3-5s, average 4s
  • 0% pure ore (price for 24): 30-120s, average 75s
  • Lime (price for 24): 50-60s, average 55s
  • Rattler serum: 150s
  • Mineralogical Survey: 12s, -1.1s
  • Stringy Sinew: 5s
  • Singing Old Log: 10-15s, average 12.5s, -0.3s
  • Lovers Locket (unknown purity, assume 0%): 110-120s, average 115s, -6.2s
  • Backpack: 60-65s, average 62.5s, -11.6s
  • Conquistador Helmet: 100s, -10s
  • Sweet Bambi: 7-8s, average 7.5s
  • Walk on the Wild Side: 9-10s, average 9.5s
  • Lobster Mushroom: 3-4s, average 3.5s
  • Mushroom Pie, 12s
  • Waxing Toadstool, 2s
  • Witches Hat, 4-5s, average 4.5s
  • Cabbage Cakes, 10-12s, average 11s
  • A Side of Venison, 10-12s, average 11s

The metal market prices have dropped sharply in the last month, in part to increased competition and increased supply, as we would expect as we continue to discover the abundant mines in the New World. The Courant expects this fall to continue, and urges merchants focusing largely on base metal or metal tools to diversify as soon as possible. The highly competitive and profitable pure metal market is not represented in the above selection, and the intense competition in this sector is also causing prices to drop very rapidly.

Most other markets seem either new or relatively stable, with the exception of the Backpack market, which has dropped significantly, for the same reasons as the base metal market.

In addition to the items listed above, there were 69(!) types of item on offer from only one shop. Due to the limited nature of our data, we cannot tell how well particular items are selling, and we assume that many of the items that are only on offer once are not being sold at all.

We could not find any items which increased in value, so the following “investment tips” are based purely on our instincts and experience. Be aware that the value of your investment may go down as well as up, and the Courant is not liable for any losses incurred by the reader.

  • The pure metal market is one in which increased work (prospecting) will bring hugely increased profits – selling rods may increase competition in the long term, but the purest rods on offer will still be able to be sold for vast sums.
  • We believe there will be a booming trade in food, both base and high purity. This is already evident in the difference in the list of offered items from last month to this month. We encourage budding supermarkets and farmers to streamline their manufacturing techniques, as the profits in this sector depend much more on the efficiency of the production line than in metal. We advice those who can offer pure food to advertise this fact in a prominent location.
  • Similar comments apply to certain types of crafted inspirational, for example Mineralogical Surveys and Flower Arrangements. The market for these appears to be rather stable, but we believe there are still profits to be made here.
  • If there is a sudden influx of new Colonists, due to the Crown relaxing the borders, we expect the base metal and tools market to boom again. We suggest that merchants stay prepared for this eventuality.

There is also trade going on off the forum, conducted through the Salem IRC, for example. It is often possible for consumers to obtain lower prices by checking on the IRC, and merchants may find desperate customers in the same way.